Welcome Back!

I am actually really excited that you have decided to join me this month as I begin a 31 day true beauty challenge.

This is going to be a month long challenge for ME but also for any of you who have felt the same and want to follow along.

As I mentioned in last weeks post, the month of April ended with me in a tailspin of insecurity and self hatred (as harsh as that sounds that’s where I was at.)

So this month I have decided to be proactive in tackling my insecurity and low self esteem in practical ways.

This month is about affirming and embracing OUR BEAUTY.

I am doing this challenge for myself because where I have been is not where I am meant to stay and I know that moving forward starts with ACTION, not just cliches about true beauty being on the inside.

Here is the main heart of this months challenge:

 to reawaken confidence. To cultivate a sense of peace in my own beauty. To rest in knowing, truly KNOWING I am accepted by God, myself and others. To tear down the lies and build up my heart with TRUTH. To FEEL better about myself and to learn how to practically LOVE myself and others well. 

I will be addressing three core areas of beauty in my life: my physical beauty, internal beauty, and spiritual beauty. Below are the guidelines that I will be placing on myself. Feel free to copy them or just choose 1-2 things to challenge yourself with this month and let me know what you will be doing in the comments below!

If you want to stay updated and follow me during this challenge I will be video journaling it HERE on my You Tube channel. (NOTE: found out yesterday that my camera has officially died so I will be using my cell phone until I can get a new one on Wednesday. Intro video will be posted tomorrow.)

I will  be filming/vlogging almost every single day this month and posting a weekly mash-up every Monday of my thoughts, struggles, and progress over the previous week. (I may or may not post some bonus videos in between over the course of the month as well.)

I WILL BE FOCUSING ON MY BEAUTY…

PHYSICALLY

-Makeup/Hair (I have always struggled with feeling like my body wasn’t worth dressing up. My challenge is that either hair or makeup has to be done 6 days out of the week this month. I will be trying some new products/hair styles as well.)

-Outfits (I will be planning my outfits the night before, buying some nice PJS, purchasing 1-2 new items that make me feel GOOD. To feel good in what I am wearing 6 days a week is the GOAL.)

-Diet (No fast food, no soda, no bread or pasta. I am going to be moving towards eating clean and learning new recipes that taste good but the four foods listed above are the restrictions I am stone set on. Respecting my body as a beautiful temple that I want to keep clean and nurture.)

-Exercise (RUN at least three days a week and any other extra movement is a bonus. Sign up for the Color run. Get to where I can do 30 pushups in a row strong.)

-Sleep/Pampering (Get 7 hours of sleep EVERYNIGHT. Get deeper sleep. Incorporate a bedtime routine that includes relaxing/pampering.)

EMOTIONALLY

-Be Thankful (A thankful heart is a beautiful heart. My challenge in this area is no complaining ,practice acceptance of myself and situations. practice gratitude.)

-Compliment (Compliment don’t compare. Freely compliment myself and others.)

-Catching the Negative Self Talk (SHUTTING THIS DOWN. When I start to hear the voices in my head talking mean I am going to stop and journal and pray, figure out what is  really going on and what stories I am telling myself. This will be the hardest but most important for me to do.)

-Routines/Rituals (Making my bed every morning, making my get-ready-in-the-morning  routine awesome, doing activities that make me FEEL beautiful. e.g walking barefoot, letting my hair blow with the windows down,  laughing deep, working out, dancing funny in the kitchen ect.)

-Beautiful Environment (make the things around me LOOK COOL. Doesn’t have to be feminine or pink, I just have to feel it looks beautiful to me. Make a vision board, decorate my cubicle, do something to dress up my car, buy cute soap, new sheets, keep my spaces clean and cute.)

SPIRITUALLY

-Meditation/Affirmations/Blessings (God spoke life into being and I believe we can do the same. I can choose to speak truth and blessings over myself or reaffirm the lies. My goal is to daily speak intentional encouragement and blessing over myself specifically in the area of physical appearance and who I am as a woman.)

-Time in the word connecting with God (Connection with God breeds peace and confidence in who I am and where I am at. When I reconnect with the One who made me it’s easy to remember and accept that I am beautiful just as I am and that there is grace for where I am at and that beauty comes in all seasons.) 

-Time living my purpose/creating/reaching out to others (Spending time on things like worship music, speaking and writing, the things I am talented in and feel called to do,  provide me with renewed purpose and a sense of worth outside of my appearances.)

-Time in Nature (because being around the beauty in nature makes my appearance not seem like such a big deal.)

-Creating a self confidence notebook (I am a words of affirmations person. Letters and notes from people and comments from Professors on past papers mean THE WORLD to me. I suggest finding out what your love language is and what helps make you feel confident and figure out a way to create something that you can turn to when you need a little boost.)

This is going to be a crazy month but I am excited to walk this journey and I am excited to do it with you!

If you really want to follow me day by day I will be posting most frequently on instagram and snapchat.

See you in tomorrow’s video!

We all have days we don’t feel the greatest about our appearance. Everyone has bad hair days and morning breath and acne. But I think there are some of us that wrestle with a much deeper feeling of not being beautiful and not being ENOUGH. When I wrestle with these feelings I write honest about it. So girl, if you’re feeling the same, just know that you aren’t the only one. You’re not alone.

*  *  *

Driving home in the dusk, I drive silently with this twinge in my heart.

A pull and a pounding of pain. And you’d think I’d call it jealousy, this ache in my chest.

But this has nothing to do with him.

or her.

No, this goes so much deeper than that. And what’s disguised as jealousy is really just my insecurity. And it burns, like that feeling in your throat after puking.

And the truth is I hurt myself more than he ever could.

And I am not really sad that she’s prettier. I am not mad that he thinks so. Because I know she doesn’t mean anything to him.

I am just so afraid.

So afraid that I’m not enough.

And that I’ll never be enough because I’ll never be like her and she, she is everything guys seem to want.

She is delicate and sweet. Stilettos and perfect pink toes. Short skirts and tight shirts. She is giggles and glitter. Soft lips and enough mascara to pave my grandmas driveway. She is trim and graceful, can dance and sing gorgeous. She walks confident in her magical mystery. She is hilarious and flirty and men’s eyes follow her and she is just

So.

Dang.

Pretty.

Me?

I’m strong and gracious, thoughtful and quiet. A flowery dress with adventure boots. I’m Baseball caps and Converse. A ponytail with rosy cheeks and clear chapstick. I’m awkward and honest,  an open book. I’m lame puns and obnoxious singing, sarcasm and silly dreams. I can’t flirt to save my life and I love blasting country music . I hate the taste of coffee but love the smell of rain. I can’t swing my hips sexy but I like dancing crazy anyway. I am just stumbling through life living on laughter and prayer one day at a time.  and I’m just

Such a

Dang.

Mess.

Most people would say he is being rude or mean, but he didn’t do THIS. He has only ripped off the flimsy bandages I’ve been using to hide this seething wound already decades deep.

This wound that’s always been too tender to touch.

And I sit here hurting and hating myself and I just don’t know how to let it heal.

But You.

You say you need me and that You want this wreck of a girl. And maybe that’s all that matters right now. To collapse into You and just let go. And all I can do is let it breathe, that’s all I can give right now.

To Breathe and Believe that things will get better and that this pain is the cleansing before the healing.

The mending before the beauty.

*   *  *

These past two weeks have been hard. It’s been the quiet kind of hard, the kind you don’t like to make a big deal about because it seems so silly. But I have been sitting here with feelings I haven’t felt in a long time: worthlessness, shame, insecurity, hatred…all towards my body. I know it sounds harsh but that’s where I have been. In moments like this I WRITE, I write truthfully about what hurts and what I know. I have decided though, to begin taking some serious steps towards changing this in my life. I am going to be doing some crazy things in the month of May to jump start my journey and I hope you’ll join me! Meet me back here on Monday to hear all about it. I love you guys! Thanks for taking the time to stop by and read.