Things have not been easy for me the last few months, so I won’t pretend they have been. It has been two months of grieving. The loss of a job, of my grandpa, of my originally planned wedding day and all the little things that go with that. Grieving my friends, my fiance, and my normal freedoms.

I have felt like a zombie, going from one day to the next, not motivated much. I have not been “productive” by my normal standards. The one saving grace I have had is reading. Anyone who knows me knows I love words and books and am a voracious reader. In the pages of recent books, I have found a thread, a strand running through all the words of stories, Instagram posts, scripture, and songs. This consistent theme of people bringing magic to the dark places, of making a home and blooming right where they are.

I read about this mom and her little girl doing online classes. She has her own little “office” set up: stuffed animals, favorite pictures, juice box, pink stapler, etc. She doesn’t just sit down to do her classes and homework she does so with style, fun and pizazz. I am reading “The Hiding Place” and Corrie talks about all the little things she is thankful for in prison. She is so thankful to be able to see the sky, for the ant in her cell who keeps her company, and the way her sister can make a jail cell feel like a home by having the other women hang their coats up and by hanging red tissue paper over the light bulb to make the room feel cozy.

I realize I have been grieving, yes, and that that is okay. But in reading all these stories and books I am also beginning to see that gratitude is a posture and has nothing to do with circumstances. That being happy is more about what you choose to do than about what you’re given. Maybe even more then that, I am inspired at seeing a little girl and a grown woman make a home and create magic in the midst of loss and disappointment. I am not sure how to do it, unsure of exactly what it means, but it’s given me a spark. We can either sit and feel sorry for ourselves or we can create something beautiful, right here.

The hard part is, I wish it wasn’t so hard. I want to be the woman who is positive and who makes the best of everything and who knows how to make a prison feel like home. I don’t want to be the woman who is sad all the time, who struggles to just get up and eat something. I wish it all didn’t feel so heavy.

I sit here staring at this little coffee cup. The to-go one that I can’t seem to throw away. Just a paper cup with “Tequila Sun” scrawled out on it. It’s from the night a few weeks ago when my sister and I set out, sick of being trapped inside and we walked the few blocks to one of her favorite bars where they were selling “Cocktails to-go”. We waited in line while four people with a dog did shots then took a selfie. The mom in front of us had her little boy with her and he was dressed like a wizard, cloak, and all. My sister and I stepped up and ordered our drinks, I ordered a Tequila Sunrise. The bars are still closed, we couldn’t go out like usual. So we grabbed our to-go cocktails and got spicy hot tacos from Taco Bell and headed home for a night in.

I think maybe even Corrie’s sister and the little girl don’t always have good days and maybe this is it. Maybe I am doing it too. Maybe this is what making a home in the middle of chaos looks like, maybe this is the magic in the middle of the mess. I don’t know. I don’t know if there is a “right way” to do quarantine but maybe it starts by embracing that today is enough and the energy you have is enough and all we can really do is practice saying “thank you” for all the little things.

I took so many basic things for granted before this quarantine. After reading about life in a concentration camp I am reminded of how much I am STILL taking things for granted. Things feel hard but I am also reminded that I am so rich and there is so much to give thanks for right here.

So here are all the little gifts and pennies of magic I have from these last two months of quarantine:

empty weekends, sleeping in, runs outside with my brother, animal crossing, early morning smoothies, video chats with friends, evil apples, dinner at the table with family, playing Half Life lan games with my siblings (which we hadn’t done all together since highschool), trying new recipes, to-go cocktail runs, watching Love is Blind and wine nights with my sister, all the glorious books I have been able to read, watching trees waking up, seeing flowers bloom, rainstorms, online church, howling at night with my mom and sister, my cozy bed and twinkle lights, sitting around the fire with my family, listening to the neighbor kids fighting next door over a soccer ball, Tiger King memes, the memes coming out of quarantine in general, curbside pickup, more time for writing, saving money, and all of this has been white space for my soul.

It is okay to grieve, and it’s important to name what we are all feeling. Sometimes though, I have a tendency to wallow and that is not what I am going to do. Just like the flowers who bloom in sidewalk cracks and cityscapes, I am not going to wait for the perfect external setting to grow. I am simply going to do all I can, which is to soak in the rain that is freely giving, and turn and stretch towards the sun.

Hang in there lovelies this won’t last forever. Peace and grace for you this weekend.

Photo by Artem Bali from Pexels

Spring is here and new life is sprouting and pushing through all around us. What do you do though when your soul doesn’t match the landscape? How do you break that feeling of being stuck and trapped in the monotony of another day and instead cultivate life, growth, and newness? Over the next several weeks, we will be diving into this topic as we look to shake things up and bring a breath of fresh air into our lives.

To kick off this series we will be looking at some external elements that you can change to help bring your mind and body out of a slump.

Environment

Sometimes to spark change you may need to do some rearranging of the space where you spend the most time. Your bedroom, your workspace, possibly even the town you currently live in. Sometimes all it takes to shake things up is to make a slight change in our surroundings, give some of the following suggestions a try and see if you feel a difference.
Things to Try

• Rearrange the Furniture – Try placing your bed against a different wall. Arrange things so they flow better, give you more space, or cater to how you function every day. Move your desk so it faces the window. Try moving the couches so they are more conducive to having people over. Have fun and don’t be afraid to try arrangements that might seem crazy at first.

• Take Old Items Out – Get that TV out of your bedroom. Ditch the dresser full of stuff you never use. Make space. Declutter. We are constantly inundated with receiving items but we rarely make time to let them go. Sometimes holding onto old things is what is causing us to feel stuck in old ways.

• Bring New Items In – Consider bringing something new into your space. Purchase a large piece of art that inspires you. Pick out a new bedspread. Buy a new vase to put on your kitchen counter and start buying yourself flowers every week. Bringing new and inspiring things into your space can give you a sense of change and shake up that “stuck” feeling.

APPEARANCE

If you’re feeling like you really need a fresh start maybe you want to make a change that feels more bold and personal. If so, consider changing something about your appearance. Our outer self is how we express ourselves and is our canvas to communicate who we are to the rest of the world. Considering making a fresh statement with one of the following elements.

• Hair – Hair is usually the first thing we as women will change when we are making a fresh start. Change the color. Get a new cut. Consider making a change that makes you slightly uncomfortable like chopping it super short or going for a bold color. The great thing about this is it’s just hair, it will always grow back.

• Clothes – A new outfit can definitely make you feel like a new person. Look at getting a fun pair of shoes or a cute new dress. Grab something you’ve always wanted to wear that you never thought you could. Follow the same rule and try to pick something that you like but leaves you slightly uncomfortable.

• Body – Another form of self-expression you can go for is tattoos or piercings. Maybe you’ve always wanted to get your nose pierced, then go do it! Get a fresh tattoo that speaks something meaningful into your life or get a tattoo that just looks awesome and makes you smile. Sometimes making a permanent change on your body can be a pillar for making a new change in other areas of your life.

ROUTINE

• Spiritual – How often do you spend time praying? Meditating? Studying the Bible? Whatever your spiritual journey/practices look like, consider changing the frequency, time of day, location, in which you practice them. A slight shift here can make a huge difference.

• Physical – Do you make time to move your body every day? We were not designed to be sedentary creatures. Consider working out more or changing up the type of workout you’re doing. Try a new class or a new sport. Join an intermural team. Begin going for morning or evening walks every day. Moving your body can help things move inside your mind. Along with that look at things like your facial routine, nail care, hair routine, etc. Try incorporating something extra and special into your routine and show your body some love.

• Electronics – One of the easiest ways to slip into feeling stuck or lethargic is to fall into the trap of constantly being attached to your phone, tablet, computer, tv, etc. These things are tools and can be beneficial but if we are mindlessly using them they can over-inundate our minds with noise and input which can put us into a numbed state. Try shaking things up by picking one hour to be electronic free everyday. If you really want to go bold you could do one day a week or month where you spend the whole day completely electronics free.

• Work – Not everyone works from home or has the ability to change their work schedule but even with pre-scheduled hours you can do things to shake up your work routine. Try showing up 30 minutes for work so you can relax during the commute and not stress about being late. Change how you spend your 30 minute lunch. Instead of mindlessly scrolling social media try reading, going for a walk, or journaling some things you are grateful for.

If you are feeling stuck in your life, these things may not bring about ACTUAL change internally but they’re a simple place to start. Sometimes a small change on the outside can give us space and inspiration to start working things out on the inside. If where you sit this Spring is empty, stuck, and wandering, join me these next few weeks as we continue to look at doing some spring cleaning of our souls.

As always, lots of love

“Eleanor was right. She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn’t supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something.”― Rainbow Rowell, Eleanor & Park

You are wild.

You are not a manicured lawn with artificial irrigation and perfectly lined plants. You are not sharp edges, boxes, and straight lines. You are not a space that’s been plucked, trimmed, and shoved into “neatness”.

You are wild.

Wild in the sense that you are a natural place of beauty that has grown and flourished on its own. With all sorts of things growing this way and that, pressing up towards the sun and reaching down towards the water. You have strong roots. You can sometimes look like a mess.

It is easy to feel like you should be more or at least be more like THAT. You strive to please and to keep everything so perfectly put together but you, my darling, are not meant to be perfect you are meant to be you. You are ART.

And with art, it is not so much about what a piece IS or how a piece LOOKS, art is all about what is communicated and what it makes someone FEEL.

Maybe it’s not so important how your hair falls or how your jeans fit. Maybe what is most important is how well you love others.  To leave people feeling the same way you feel after a moving play or a beautiful novel. To make sure people don’t feel alone. Maybe, girl, you will help awaken that part inside of them that they might have forgotten about, that good part, the part that reminds them there is still magic in this world.

You embrace being art when you unabashedly embrace being yourself. Stop pretending you like things that you don’t. If you like wearing tutus and crocs then DO IT without apology. If you are loud and clumsy and feel that you fail at being the kind of woman somebody would want, please know that you don’t.

You are beautiful in all your quirky glory.

The way you snort-laugh over YouTube videos. The songs you sing loud in the shower. The way you can’t have your eggs touch your pancakes. The way you pray awkwardly in public and try cheering up your mom. Your inappropriate jokes and corny puns. Your favorite shirt and neon leggings. How you show up at 2:00a.m. when your friend calls needing a ride. Your fear of cows and crazy driving. Your love of muffins and rain. The big and the small, it’s all art and it all compiles to make you who you are.

So don’t worry about being perfect and don’t worry about being like them, you weren’t meant to be. You are art, dear girl, and you are wildly glorious just as you are.