People tell you marriage is hard. But they always make it sound like its hard because of the other person. No one ever told me that the hardest part would be facing myself. I thought the “hard stuff” would be brushing off the little things and learning how to deal with David driving me crazy. I thought the hard part would be deciding on chores and choosing to love him when I didn’t feel like it.
Turns out what’s hard is for me to love myself in the middle of my mess.
And being married makes you see your own mess really fast. I have always been someone who tends to put worth and value in my ability to have it all together. BUT when you’re living with someone day in and day out there is no hiding the fact that you DO NOT always have it together. ZERO PR management, zero hiding, they can SEE ALL OF YOU.
They see you when you’re crying over something silly and how you get stressed over plans changing last minute. They see your annoying habits, coping mechanisms, and they see how you sometimes can be mean and hurtful. They see all of that, all the stuff you always beat yourself up for and the stuff you kept tucked away from prying eyes. They see the stuff you’re ashamed of. Yet, they still whisper so sweetly, “I love you.”
And I didn’t realize how hard it would be to have someone love me more then I love myself.
Before having someone in my corner constantly I think I thought what others saw was more important then what I could keep hidden. Now that nothing is hidden, it’s really forced me to look at myself in a different way and face what I have to work on in myself. I am also still struggling with the fact that a man as amazing as David signed up to be with an awkward meany pants like me.
Don’ get me wrong, these first few months of marriage have been beautiful and hilarious and SO fun. But yes, they’ve also been hard because they have forced me to grow more than I thought I’d have to. Growth is never comfortable. And I was so surprised to find that it is much easier to love David and cut him breaks on his mess then it is for me to show myself that same kind of grace.
I didn’t realize how tightly I was trying to keep a grip on my life until someone came along and asked to hold my hand.
And I didn’t know that the holding on was also in a way, going to involve letting go. To cling to him has meant letting go of what I was clinging to before. My perfectionism, my independence, my performance, and other people’s opinions and praise. And it has been so, so good for this girl’s soul.
Just like a good workout, what has felt hard and made me out of breath, has brought growth and strength to me and to our relationship. This is one way I know I will need to keep growing, to be okay here in the in-between place. To stumble forward imperfectly but still forward. To be able to rest in the becoming and to know that who I am is enough for David and for God and for today.
